Beware the cross-eyed visitor, and other New Year's advice

As it is with most modern holidays, we have pagans to thank for the original idea of celebrating the New Year.

Babylonians first did it 4000 years ago, for 11 days no less! They did it in March though, because common sense told them that crop planting time would be a good place to start the year.

Makes sense to me, but sense seldom mattered to the Romans so Julius Caesar changed the calendar around to synchronize with the sun in 46 B.C. and folks have been observing the New Year on January 1 ever since. Sometimes you just do things because you can.

Bowl games in March wouldn't be normal though, so I'm glad they did it. I'm not too excited about any 11-day parties either, no matter what they are for, but there was a day in the past when it may have caught my attention.

Since the first celebration eons ago, people have been trying to enhance their future by using New Year's Day to jumpstart their way into a year brimming with riches and good luck. Along the way numerous pitfalls were discovered that can sabotage the well laid plans of the good-luck manufacturers.

First and foremost on the list of New Year's Day hazards to be aware of is the dreaded "first footer." The "first footer" is the first human being to enter your house after midnight on New Year's Day, and there is a veritable bible of restrictions these visitors and the house must meet if you want keep your year from being implanted with the fertile seeds of rotten luck.   

To start with, let nobody leave the house after midnight until after the "first footer" (sometimes called the "Lucky Bird") arrives, even if it is late in the day. If the "first footer" is a roommate, they must knock instead of unceremoniously using a key. After crossing the threshold, they should greet everybody individually and present some small tokens signifying good luck.

When they leave, they should leave by the back door, thereby dragging out any crumbs of bad luck that might be left in the house. Accept no arguments.

The number one rule governing "first footers", if there is one, is NO WOMEN! If one shows up on your step, even if you are a bachelor and it is Angelina Jolie wearing three Band-Aids, threaten them with a gun or your year could be a disaster.

Do not let a blonde or redhead be the "first footer." They bring bad luck.

Never, ever allow a man who is cross-eyed, flat footed or whose eyebrows meet in the middle to be the "first footer." They will hex you. I told this to a friend of mine and she said "Oh my God, two of my kids are flat footed, no wonder I have bad luck!"

"Hah!" is all I have to say.

The ideal "first footer" should be tall, dark and handsome and come bearing certain small gifts such as a lump of coal, a silver coin, a bit of bread, a sprig of evergreen and some salt. Don't ask me why they can't be short, dark, plain and pudgy, it is the story of my life all over again. I'll never be the classic "first footer."

Cagey householders have been known to station a suitable "first footer" outside the house to insure their speedy arrival as soon as the midnight chimes quit ringing. This is quite legal, with no known penalties in the fabricated luck guide.

Another couple of things to remember if you want to stack good luck in your corner for the new year. Everybody should be a lazy, worthless, stinky bum for 24 hours on New Year's Day. Do not clean anything, not so much as a coffee cup or even your own face. Do not take out the garbage or so much as shake out a rug, what is in the house stays in the house.

If you have any new clothes, wear them, it might improve your chances of receiving more garments during the following year. It might hide your unwashed stench for the day too.

Turn up the Bowl games as loud as you can stand. Lucifer, or Old Scratch, or whatever you know him by, hates loud noise, as do his minions. It can't hurt.

Pay attention to the wind. If it blows from the south, fine weather and prosperous times ahead. From the north, bad weather all year. Wind from the east brings famine and calamities. A wind from the west means the year will witness plentiful supplies of milk and fish but will also see the death of a very important person. No biggie, we don't know any, we'll take the milk and fish.

As a precaution, ban your flatulent brother-in-law from the house between New Year's Eve and the day after New Year's Day. You don't need any foul eastern winds inside the house upsetting all of your well laid plans for a year of good luck.