I now pronounce you February the Freak

Ken Carpenter

In my male mind February has always been one of the more mundane months, rarely producing more than a ho hum reaction from anyone.

My wife begs to differ, believing that most women like it because they love Valentine’s Day. To present my case, I must note that Feb. 14 is also known in some circles as Chinese New Year, Quirky Alone Day, League of Women Voters Day, National Condom Day and 10 other titles.

So, in my book, February is the redheaded, pot bellied, long-nosed, toothless cousin from Hodunk who remains invisible until somebody passes gas and needs a scapegoat to blame for it.

It is the shortest month of all, which may be why so many different monikers are draped around its hoary neck; it just can't get no respect. It has 39 monthly observances, 40 weekly observances and 114 daily observances connected to it. An observance can be anything from a holiday to a designated period set aside to either draw attention to somebody's latest passionate subject or to get somebody's goat. That may be why Valentine February is National Condom Month.

It literally takes an act of Congress to get a National, a UN declaration to get an International and nothing more than the urge to get a plain old day, week or month labeled. I think Bonehead Day has a ring to it, but I have not picked the date for it yet.     

One of the many February names is Pull Your Sofa Off The Wall Month, which encourages wives to torment their husbands into helping to rearrange the furniture. It is also Plant the Seeds of Greatness Month, and they really should have checked with the condom people before naming that one. It is also Spunky Old Broads Month, and I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole. Poles can put knots on your noggin.

Feb. 1 was Working Naked Day, and had I but known it I could have livened up the office with my coconut bra and grass skirt. The 1st was also Spunky Old Broads Day though, so I'm glad I dressed normally; I wouldn't want to be mistaken for one.

Dump Your Significant Jerk Week and International Flirting Week both take place the week before Valentines Day, as does Jell-O Week. Any jerks out there better quit all of that flirting with the neighbors and start whipping up some tasty Jell-O desserts or their days could be numbered.

The 24th is Inconvenience Yourself Day, and I don't mind if I don't. It happens enough by accident to me, and it is high time somebody else took a turn..

Feb. 28 is an interesting day. It is Floral Design Day, International Sword Swallowers Day and National Tooth Fairy Day. You wouldn't think there would be enough sword gobblers to celebrate very much, but there are a lot of us retired tooth fairies and would be florists.

The February of 1865 was the only month in the recorded history of man that did not have a full moon. It is kind of hard for me to believe that of all the humans alive then not a single one got mooned all month.

I guess anything is possible.