I now pronounce you Doof Nitwitty McBoob the Third

There is one sad, indisputable fact about every single one of us. Many will try to deny it, but their denials will be futile in the end. Sooner or later, most likely sooner, all doubt will be removed.

There is a dork inside all of us, lurking like a  dimwitted tiger, waiting to strike. Admittedly, the alleged doofus is closer to the surface in some than it is in others.  At times it is so close to the surface it literally bubbles like primordial ooze, whatever that is. I always wanted to use that term, so please humor me.

Recently somebody paid $14,740 for a toilet that once belonged to ex-Beatle John Lennon. No gold plating, just a plain old privy that happened to play host to some famous buns at one point in its inglorious career as a depository. Who bought it? It doesn't matter, but if there were any doubts about their nerdish tendencies, they were all decimated in one stroke.

I admit, I may pay $14.74 for the ex-toilet of Mama Cass. I need a planter for a redwood tree I'm thinking about getting.

Have you ever seen somebody use a measuring cup to put water in a recipe, then put it in the dirty dishes like it is soiled? Nitwit! It just had water in it, it is not dirty!

There are many different names and varieties of idiot. Nerd, nitwit, doofus, simpleton, geek, cretin, blockhead, numbskull, imbecile, lamebrain, dimwit, schmuck, boob, dipstick, nincompoop, putz, thicko (British, I like it!), dunderhead, dweeb, dolt, dork and on and on.

I'm proud to say that I have made at least a cameo appearance as every type imaginable, though usually only for a fleeting moment. Admittedly they did not all, if any, inspire a proud moment, but collectively they can breed an interesting view of your fellow man. If you keep your eyes open, you will witness an act of boobery every day of your life.

If you work in a place like I do, you might spot several per hour. You always hope you are not the star of the latest clown show, but if you are, big deal! Live with it! They spice things up for somebody, and by the time the tale is told a few times you may become a legend.

Not all dork titles have a history, but nerd comes close. Its first documented appearance was in  the Dr. Seuss book If I Ran the Zoo, in 1950. The narrator claims that he would collect “a Nerkle, a Nerd and a Seersucker too” for his imaginary zoo. In 1951 Newsweek magazine reported that nerd was now slang for a “drip” or a “square” in Detroit. By the 1960's it was entrenched in the United States as a term for somebody considered bookish or socially inept, and those who qualified as nerds were often thought of as loners.

So, if anybody out there thinks they are so high and mighty that they never exhibit any dorkish behavior, just keep on living in your little fantasy world.

The  rest of us know the truth.