Mirror mirror, why do you lie?

I have it on good authority that one of my caveman ancestors was the first human to look in a mirror. The mirror was a still, clear pond and his reaction was the same as mine is now; who’s that ape with the hairy ears?

The official history of mirrors started in III Century B.C. Ancient mirrors were made from polished bronze and silver, with the first glass mirrors not appearing until the Romans’ wives nagged them into improving on metal with glass.

Sheesh, should have stuck with metal ladies. Modern women now look in a mirror an average of 70 times a day. If it was feature-numbing metal they peered into they may not bother. To be fair, many men are just as bad.

In Medieval times glass mirrors completely disappeared, for religious powers thought the devil was spying on the world from the opposite side of glass mirrors. I still kind of wonder if he is the one to blame for my bulbous moobs in the mirror. Maybe not.

Glass mirrors didn’t come back until the 13th century, and they were bent slightly outward, creating a bit of a distorted effect. They were not greatly improved for three centuries, when Venetian masters invented a “flat mirror technique”. 

Their special reflective mixture in which gold and bronze were added was considered a magical blend that made all objects reflected look much more beautiful than reality. A Venetian mirror then cost more than the price of a large naval ship. I guess it was worth it to all the upper class dudes with ugly wives.

The secrets of Venetian mirrors were guarded vigorously until some sneaky Frenchmen bribed three masters of the art to spill the beans in the 17th century. Mirror business exploded then, though ugly folks were still ugly. Some things can’t be fixed.

Since I’m French and knee-high to a kangaroo, I suspect the French were the ones to invent mirrors that make you taller and thinner. I don’t have one but I understand many clothing stores have dressing room mirrors that “thin” you down pretty well in hopes of a sale.

Mirrors were right handy for military purposes too. Spying with periscopes, blinding with multiple mirrors utilizing the sun, signaling, decoding secret messages and preening before an important speech were all useful.

Too bad Hitler didn’t use one to eliminate that atrocious moustache. Maybe he wouldn’t have been so cranky.

Spectrophobia is the fear of mirrors. I know a lot of people who should have it but don’t. I also know that everybody, at least to a certain extent, should be wary of the power of mirrors.

They are said to be a reflection of the soul. I’d like to think my soul isn’t so flabby, but in truth it might be worse than that.

Mirrors cannot lie, so they say. I’m not sure who “they” are, but they delight in scaring the rest of us.

A legend says that a newborn should not see its reflection until its first birthday or it will die. Bull droppings I say! Babies are immune to old folk tales, in my humble opinion, for their innocence is bulletproof.

The most common superstition is that you have seven years of bad luck if you break one. One reason for this is that a mirror reflects part of your soul, so your soul breaks and supposedly takes seven years to regenerate.

If you grind up the broken pieces of glass and bury them under a tree during a full moon, your fractured soul may survive intact.

Another description of the seven years of bad luck dates back to when mirrors were ridiculously expensive. If some unfortunate servant broke a mirror it would take seven years to repay their employers for a replacement.

Time for a new job I say.

There are too many mirror superstitions for me to address here. Suffice it to say, evil dwells within so watch your butt. Ghosts and spirits gravitate to mirrors, and reportedly become trapped, irritating them no end.

One woman has had enough. PhD candidate Kjerstin Gruys of UCLA swore off looking in a mirror for a year, and six months of that time is leading up to her wedding!

Her ban is still ongoing and the big day draws near. She swears that she applies makeup and does her hair every day without the aid of a mirror. She is very cute and could never be bummed with what she saw reflected.

She just got fed up with the pressure of having to look good all the time, then she read a passage from “The Birth of Venus”, where an order of nuns swears off the sight of human flesh, even their own.

She chose her wedding dress and then swore off mirrors. Her mirror free life is cataloged on her blog “Mirror, Mirror Off The Wall”.

I have to hand it to her, if she sticks with it. It is an admirable, almost impossible goal to consider.

I dread to think what I would see a year from now if I didn’t abuse a mirror once in a while.