Not a dry eye at Birrell's book reading

BONNERS FERRY — “Walking with Fay” is the honest story of Bonners Ferry’s own Carolyn Birrell shifting from her role as child to caregiver for her mother with dementia.

When Birrell held a book reading at the Boundary County Library on Saturday. Aug. 6, there was not a dry eye in the audience, as those present shared their experiences and fears of taking care of their family members with dementia. Those present said they are beginning to see the signs of dementia in their parents and are thinking about the next steps.

Birrell shared her story of navigating her ever-changing relationship with her mother, Fay, as she progressed through dementia.

She never wrote the book to make money. Instead, she said, it was to share her experiences and get the book into people’s hands who are drowning like she was. Birrell shared that when she relocated her mother to Bonners Ferry, she would visit the library searching for a book that could help, something that could tell her what to do.

She remembers sitting between two shelves crying as she looked for answers. She said the books never hit the mark, since what she found were either too medical or not applicable to her situation. The questions she needed answers to were, “what do you do when your mother burns her neighbors’ mail” or “what do you do when your mother accuses you of stealing her car?”

People are not prepared for dementia, she said.

“We want dementia to go away,” she said. “[because] it is behavior unbecoming of our loved ones. We don’t recognize them when they are doing it,” she said. “They are not the same person that we were raised by or that we married or that we became friends with. We don’t like it.”

She said the first thing people do when they see the signs is ignore it until it is so big that it can’t be rationalized away and you are unable to think “mom’s just getting quirky in her old age.”

This is going to happen to most people, Birrell said. “That’s why I want people to read this book,” she said. “Alzheimer’s [is] growing exponentially due to the baby boomers entering their 70s, everyone will be exposed to it one way or another.”

When taking care of Fay, Birrell entered this precarious role of making sure she was safe versus taking away her independence, she said. The threat of being charged with neglect was a real concern or taking control of someone's life who doesn’t want you to.

When Fay would accuse Birrell of stealing her car, before it would ruin their entire afternoon.

“I could have just lied, but that’s something you don’t do,” she said.

Birrell was not raised to lie, particularly not to her mother. Upon more research and going to Alzheimer's Association meetings she learned that you find a way to get into their world.

“If they are sure you are stealing from them, you redirect them and talk about something else as quickly as you can,” she said.

The Alzheimer’s Association meetings became a lifeline for Birrell.

A question Birrell has been asked time and time again, was why did she take so long before intervening?

“I challenge you to go to your loved one and take their car,” she said. “Or take over their banking.”

Growing up, Birrell was never involved in her parent’s finances and so taking on that role was unexpected.

Even after the struggle with dementia, Birrell is transparent by reflecting on her mistakes wishing she had been more patient. She admits that she was selfish in wishing that her mother would recognize her, that she would have remembered her in the end.

Birrell is honest about the pain that comes when your mother no longer recognizes you. There is a time when she thinks that you're that “nice lady” who visits and wonders where her kids are, she said.

Through the episodes and her mother fixating on where the green vacuum cleaner went (that was thrown out years ago) or accusing her of stealing her car, Birrell said that she wanted to take her words back. She said if she’d had the tools back then that she has now, then she could have redirected Fay and kept her calmer.

“What could I have done to have not made her so mad the last days of her life?” she said. “All I wanted for my mother was for her to be calmer and peaceful.”

She hopes “Walking with Fay” will be a resource that will help others not make the mistakes she made.

Birrell has appeared on several podcasts talking about her book “Walking with Fay.” In September she will be doing a presentation for the Osher Lifelong Learning Institute, a 130-member book club in southern Oregon. She will also be a featured author for the Conservation Connections event in Ashland, Ore., and appear of KOBI-TV and do book signings at book stores in the area.

“Walking with Fay” is available at Bonners Books, Amazon and Barnes & Noble. The book is also available as an e-book and an audio book.

For more information, visit her website at www.carolynbirrell.com.